Perspective | A colleague found my email offensive, but I can't figure out why and I want to set the record straight - The Washington Post

nnnindonesia.blogspot.com

Reader: A colleague called me on my personal cellphone to let me know that she found an email I had written to her, copying both our teams, disrespectful and offensive. I was surprised, because I had carefully composed it to be positive and diplomatic. I thanked her for calling, apologized for having inadvertently offended her and assured her that was not my intention. We are from different cultural backgrounds and generations, so we mutually decided to put it down to different communication styles and move on. All of us are working from home, so communications are via phone, email and video, which is not the same as in-person interaction.

Afterward, I reread my message, and I still have no idea why she was offended. In the call, she complained about my use of the word “shame,” which doesn’t appear in the email. I asked a few of my team members privately, and they weren’t sure what she had taken issue with either.

This colleague and I have no relationship beyond our current joint project, but my team and I have found her a little difficult. She often is not forthcoming with information and likes to name-drop her supposedly close relationship with senior management.

If what I said was offensive, I would like to understand why and make sure it doesn’t happen again. Also, if she was somehow reacting to a different message, I kind of want to set the record straight. It does not feel good to be called out by someone half my age for something I didn’t intentionally do. But I’m also not sure it’s a good idea to dwell on this. Is this a teaching moment for me or her, or should we all just move on?

Karla: File the email away and consider this one incident resolved for now. She addressed the problem offline with you; you apologized for the impact of your words, which was quite different from your intent; you both agreed it was a miscommunication.

Of course, one of the strongest impulses humans have is the urge to figure out who is actually Wrong. For fun, let’s pick apart the possibilities.

This could be entirely a “her” problem:

• If she’s younger and trying to establish herself, she may be sensitive to any feedback that she feels undermines her, even if it’s valid.
• Name-dropping is a classic sign of someone whose confidence and self-worth are based on their proximity to authority.
• She may have had some bad experiences with a toxic former boss or family member, and something about your demeanor or wording triggers those memories for her. If she comes from a personal or professional environment of intense criticism and scrutiny, that might explain why she’s hypervigilant about critiques and closelipped about sharing information.

It might also be a “you” problem:

• If you pride yourself on being a diplomatic communicator who strives to say the right thing in the right way, it can feel viscerally threatening when your words aren’t read as intended. That could be why you’re inclined to dwell on it. (Ask me how I know.)
• If you overdo it on the positive feedback, people can often sniff out your real intent like a pill wrapped in cheese. (No judgment — many of us have been conditioned to serve every critique in a thick, fluffy compliment sandwich.)
• If by “different cultural backgrounds” you mean she’s part of a relatively underrepresented demographic in your workplace, you may be inadvertently using loaded terminology or working from assumptions that have negative implications for people in her cultural cohort. Discreetly asking for feedback can help — but if you’re seeking it from teammates who tend to look and think like you, they will probably just confirm your viewpoint.

In saying it’s a “her” problem or a “you” problem, I’m not trying to pin blame. I’m talking about who is in the best position to find solutions. A “her” problem means it’s on her to identify and find a way to articulate what causes her offense, and request an alternative. Likewise, to rule out any “you” problems that may be blocking her message, it’s on you to ensure you are fully listening and seeking to understand what she thinks the problem is, regardless of whether you end up agreeing with her.

Again, I think you should consider the latest incident resolved — unless, of course, she wants to revive it, in which case you’re free to say, “I actually am still confused about that. You mentioned ‘shame,’ but I don’t see where I used that word.” But I’m willing to bet other opportunities will arise with this colleague. When they do, be ready to politely engage until you understand what the issue is and whether it’s a “her” problem, a “you” problem, or maybe a bit of both.

In the meantime, here’s a good rule of thumb for dealing with anyone with whom you have friction, on- or offline: Don’t assume malice; don’t withhold grace.

Adblock test (Why?)

"colleague" - Google News
February 24, 2022 at 07:00PM
https://ift.tt/WfrgL3m

Perspective | A colleague found my email offensive, but I can't figure out why and I want to set the record straight - The Washington Post
"colleague" - Google News
https://ift.tt/5BnqwxF
https://ift.tt/UHbwA1B