Dear Miss Manners: I’ve been studying with a teacher, a married man, to learn about intuition and other skills for a few years. My late husband and I took an extended course from this man, and we are now working together on an online training program. He and I are close, but not romantically.
The problem is that things have been uncomfortable for several months now. He once gave me a goodbye kiss on the neck, which startled me; all I could say was how much I love him and his wife AS A COUPLE.
I assist with his online teaching and reviews, and he has been putting me on the spot in uncomfortable ways. I finally called him on it, and he told me he had been “pushing my buttons” on purpose and “testing me.”
I was horrified, and his comments set off a cascade of memories seen in a new and ugly light. I recalled that he had acted similarly in a class with my husband present, too.
Maybe that shocking kiss was a “test.” Maybe any little thing he’s ever said was a manipulation. He speaks of simplicity, truth and love; he puts out duplicity, falsehood and manipulation. I no longer trust him.
I want to keep the friendship, even so. How can I unwind all this? I feel that I need to somehow reconcile the new information with my memories. Please help me find a polite and clear strategy.
If this person taught you intuition, then you should certainly be equipped to properly invoke yours.
Miss Manners’ own intuition is screaming alarms that he is either terrible at what he does or — much more likely — using his so-called teachings as an excuse for bad behavior.
Why you should want to maintain a friendship with someone proven to be duplicitous, false and manipulative — not to mention a sexual harasser — she cannot imagine. If you feel you need to maintain the professional association, at least remember that you are no longer his student; this is a business relationship now, and as such, you should not be subjected to childish and manipulative tactics.
“If we are to continue to work together, then we must be able to trust each other,” you might say. “I do not wish to be put through any wayward maneuvering, and I am certainly not interested in a romantic relationship with you.”
What you are interested in — and why — confounds Miss Manners, but she will keep those churlish thoughts to herself.
Dear Miss Manners: I recently lost one of my brothers to complications from covid. His son was the contact person during this awful time and has stayed in touch.
My other brother has two adult children who have not reached out to express their condolences. I am not sure how to express my dismay at their lack of compassion. What would you suggest?
“How are Corey and Dash holding up? Please tell them that I would be grateful to hear from them during this terribly tragic time.”
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
2021, by Judith Martin
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