It’s normal for people to have different communication styles, but working with someone who lacks warmth or tends to be blunt can spark feelings of anxiety. Instead of spending time and energy worrying about what a colleague’s abrupt communication says about you, try out a few strategies that might improve your collaboration. First, understand what makes you uneasy and remember not to take it personally. Then try to gauge whether or not they’re willing and able to adjust how they communicate with you. Keep in mind that you have to be willing to compromise, too, and that you should resist the urge to gossip. These techniques can prevent you from distancing yourself from a colleague who has other important strengths.
A colleague recently asked me to contribute to their project, and while I was pleased to get the invitation, the communication felt abrupt and left me with a bad feeling. Their directions were along the lines of, “make sure you do this, this, and this” and “make sure you don’t do this, this, and this.”
I felt my anxiety spike. There were no warm fuzzies to make me feel comfortable. The instructions, while clear, came across as “do not screw this up,” and I was worried about disappointing or angering them. Later, I got the chance to observe them interacting with another collaborator and found that their communication style was the same. It wasn’t unprofessional, but it lacked warmth.
Collaborating with this kind of blunt communicator can cause you to waste time and emotional energy ruminating over whether you’ve done something wrong or worrying that you’re too sensitive. You may also distance yourself from a colleague who is otherwise good at their job and has other strengths to bring to the team. Before you spend hours stressing out about your interaction (or dreading your next one), consider these five strategies for working with them more effectively.
1. Don’t take it personally…
Always keep in mind that you never really know what’s going on behind the scenes when someone comes across as abrupt or demanding. It could be a defense against their own anxiety, for example, about a project going in the wrong direction. They may be experiencing personal issues that are making them irritable, or they may just be more inclined to communicate in intense ways, as some people on the autism spectrum are. Others simply lack communication skills.
Know what makes you anxious — maybe a lack of warmth causes you to doubt your competency, or maybe other people’s high standards trigger your fear of getting things wrong. Then, whenever a colleague’s communication sparks your anxiety, see if it falls into one of the categories of behavior you know tends to rattle you. The better you understand which styles of communication you find unsettling, the easier it will be to view the situation accurately and remind yourself that it’s not personal.
2. … But briefly consider whether you may have done anything “wrong.”
While “it’s not me, it’s them” will be a correct assumption in most cases, if someone seems irritated by or dismissive of you, there is a small chance you’ve done something to trigger it. Instead of spending a lot of time dwelling on it, briefly run through some possibilities to either rule that out or to prompt you to change your behavior. For example, maybe you’ve proposed a novel way of doing something, and a colleague who tends to stick to the script finds that overwhelming, or maybe you’ve got a bad habit of sending emails after hours, which makes your colleague feel obligated to respond during their downtime. This kind of quick, logical analysis can help you hit the sweet spot between rumination and obliviousness.
If you suspect a clash of styles, there are a couple of different approaches available to you. First, you can adapt your own behavior without ever bringing it up. Second, you can proactively check your assumptions, which could be as simple as saying, “I like working together. If there’s anything I’m doing that’s making it more difficult to get things done, please let me know. I’m always open to hearing that feedback.” You can add a more a specific comment tailored to whatever you think might be causing the clash — for example, “I know your team has established ways of communicating and getting things done,” or, “I know I sometimes overcomplicate things because I tend to be picky.”
3. See if they can be flexible.
Some abrupt communicators have the skills to moderate themselves when prompted. If you need warmer, more encouraging communication, try asking for it. You can do this indirectly by expressing vulnerability, which can be effective regardless of whether you have more or less power in the relationship. For example, you might say, “You’ve given me several instructions, and I really want to do a good job of this. I’m nervous about messing up. Can you help me make sure I get it right by letting me know when I’m on the right track and which of my ideas seems to have the most promise?” You can also appeal to their ego, which can help bring out their warmth: “You’re really great at getting to the point quickly. Can you let me know if I’m making my points and motivation clear enough?” Use your best judgment about what to say. Sending out a test balloon like in these examples will give you an idea of whether your colleague has the capacity to adapt their style.
4. Be willing to compromise.
Any relationship, including a working relationship, requires compromise. For example, in a romantic partnership, having one person be good at diffusing arguments before they get nasty can be enough to preserve their bond. By the same token, in work relationships, sometimes the smoothest path forward is to accept that you’ll need to do the emotional work of adjusting to someone else’s style. It’s not ideal, but sometimes it’s unavoidable.
Of course, there’s a difference between to-the-point communication and outright meanness or abuse. Putting up with that helps no one. Ask yourself these questions to see the distinction: Does the person answer your questions? Do they credit you for your ideas? Do they go with your ideas and suggestions at least some of the time? Do they subject you to angry outbursts?
Interestingly, some individuals may be brusque on the surface, but on closer inspection check many of the boxes of being a good coworker: they’re reliable, open to ideas, fair, committed to doing good work, etc. It’s quite possible for someone to have a difficult communication style and still have these qualities (just like it’s possible for someone warm and communicative to not have them).
5. Resist the urge to gossip.
When someone on a team has a communication style that rubs others the wrong way, they can become a topic of gossip and snark. This inclination is natural, as it can feel like emotional support and a source of validation that it’s not you, it’s them. However, the legend of the colleague’s behavior and personality can quickly overtake the reality and lead to them being unfairly labeled as difficult and potentially being excluded. This isn’t a helpful or adult dynamic in any team.
If someone comes to you with gossip about the brusque colleague, you can acknowledge the validity of their complaints without indulging exaggerations or encouraging rumors, and you might even redirect the conversation by pointing out that person’s strengths.
While it’s common to prefer working with people who communicate in a warm, positive way, it’s not everyone’s natural communication style. If you can learn to depersonalize these interactions, assess them logically, and compromise when necessary, you’ll waste less time and emotional energy and be better able to appreciate your abrupt colleague’s positive traits and skills.
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January 06, 2021 at 09:04PM
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