LONDON (AP) — Britain’s long and sometimes acrimonious divorce from the European Union ended Thursday with an economic split that leaves the EU smaller and the U.K. freer but more isolated in a turbulent world.
Britain left the European bloc’s vast single market for people, goods and services at 11 p.m. London time, midnight in Brussels, completing the biggest single economic change the country has experienced since World War II. A different U.K.-EU trade deal will bring new restrictions and red tape, but for British Brexit supporters, it means reclaiming national independence from the EU and its web of rules.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson, whose support for Brexit helped push the country out of the EU, called it “an amazing moment for this country.”
“We have our freedom in our hands, and it is up to us to make the most of it,” he said in a New Year’s video message.
The break comes 11 months after a political Brexit that left the two sides in the limbo of a “transition period” — like a separated couple still living together, wrangling and wondering whether they can remain friends. Now the U.K. has finally moved out.
It was a day some had longed for and others dreaded since Britain voted in a 2016 referendum to leave the EU, but it turned out to be something of an anticlimax. U.K. lockdown measures to curb the coronavirus curtailed mass gatherings to celebrate or mourn the moment, though a handful of Brexit supporters defied the restrictions to raise a toast outside Parliament as the Big Ben bell sounded 11 times on the hour.
A free trade agreement sealed on Christmas Eve after months of tense negotiations ensures that Britain and the 27-nation EU can continue to buy and sell goods without tariffs or quotas. That should help protect the 660 billion pounds ($894 billion) in annual trade between the two sides, and the hundreds of thousands of jobs that rely on it.
But companies face sheaves of new costs and paperwork, including customs declarations and border checks. Traders are struggling to digest the new rules imposed by the 1,200-page trade deal.
The English Channel port of Dover and the Eurotunnel passenger and freight route braced for delays as the new measures were introduced, though the pandemic and a holiday weekend meant cross-Channel traffic was light, with only a trickle of trucks arriving at French border posts in Calais as 2020 ended. The vital supply route was snarled for days after France closed its border to U.K. truckers for 48 hours last week in response to a fast-spreading variant of the virus identified in England.
The British government insisted that “the border systems and infrastructure we need are in place, and we are ready for the U.K.’s new start.”
But freight companies were holding their breath. Youngs Transportation in the U.K. suspended services to the EU until Jan. 11 “to let things settle.”
“We figure it gives the country a week or so to get used to all of these new systems in and out, and we can have a look and hopefully resolve any issues in advance of actually sending our trucks,” said the company’s director, Rob Hollyman.
The services sector, which makes up 80% of Britain’s economy, does not even know what the rules will be for business with the EU in 2021. Many of the details have yet to be hammered out. Months and years of further discussion and argument over everything from fair competition to fish quotas lie ahead as Britain and the EU settle into their new relationship as friends, neighbors and rivals.
Hundreds of millions of individuals in Britain and the bloc also face changes to their daily lives. Britons and EU citizens have lost the automatic right to live and work in the other’s territory. From now on, they will have to follow immigration rules and obtain work visas. Tourists face new headaches including from travel insurance and pet paperwork.
For some in Britain, including the prime minister, it’s a moment of pride and a chance for the U.K. to set new diplomatic and economic priorities. Johnson said the U.K. was now “free to do trade deals around the world, and free to turbocharge our ambition to be a science superpower.”
Conservative lawmaker Bill Cash, who has campaigned for Brexit for decades, said it was a “victory for democracy and sovereignty.”
That’s not a view widely shared across the Channel. In the French president’s traditional New Year’s address, Emmanuel Macron expressed regret.
“The United Kingdom remains our neighbor but also our friend and ally,” he said. “This choice of leaving Europe, this Brexit, was the child of European malaise and lots of lies and false promises.”
The divorce could also have major constitutional repercussions for the United Kingdom. Northern Ireland, which shares a border with EU member Ireland, remains more closely tied to the bloc’s economy under the divorce terms, a status that could pull it away from the rest of the U.K.
In Scotland, which voted strongly in 2016 to remain, Brexit has bolstered support for separation from the U.K. The country’s pro-independence First Minister Nicola Sturgeon tweeted: “Scotland will be back soon, Europe. Keep the light on.”
Many in Britain felt apprehension about a leap into the unknown that is taking place during a pandemic that has upended life around the world.
“I feel very sad that we’re leaving,” said Jen Pearcy-Edwards, a filmmaker in London. “I think that COVID has overshadowed everything that is going on. But I think the other thing that has happened is that people feel a bigger sense of community, and I think that makes it even sadder that we’re breaking up our community a bit, by leaving our neighbours in Europe.
“I’m hopeful that we find other ways to rebuild ties,” she said.
"complete" - Google News
January 01, 2021 at 07:21AM
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Four years after vote, Britain’s Brexit journey from EU is complete - OregonLive
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LONDON — Britain’s long and sometimes acrimonious divorce from the European Union ended Thursday with an economic split that leaves the EU smaller and the U.K. freer but more isolated in a turbulent world.
Britain left the European bloc’s vast single market for people, goods and services at 11 p.m. London time, midnight in Brussels, completing the biggest single economic change the country has experienced since World War II. A new U.K.-EU trade deal will bring its own restrictions and red tape, but for British Brexit supporters, it means reclaiming national independence from the EU and its web of rules.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson, whose support for Brexit helped push the country out of the EU, said it was “an amazing moment for this country.”
“We have our freedom in our hands, and it is up to us to make the most of it,” he said in a New Year’s video message.
The break comes 11 months after a political Brexit that left the two sides in the limbo of a “transition period” — like a separated couple still living together, wrangling and wondering whether they can remain friends. Now the U.K. has finally moved out.
It was a day some had been longing for and others had been dreading since Britain voted in a 2016 referendum to leave the EU, but it turned out to be something of an anticlimax. U.K. lockdown measures to curb the coronavirus curtailed mass gatherings to celebrate or mourn the moment, though Parliament’s huge Big Ben bell sounded 11 times on the hour as it prepared to ring in the new year at midnight.
A free trade agreement sealed on Christmas Eve after months of tense negotiations ensures that Britain and the 27-nation EU can continue to buy and sell goods without tariffs or quotas. That should help protect the 660 billion pounds ($894 billion) in annual trade between the two sides, and the hundreds of thousands of jobs that rely on it.
But companies face sheaves of new costs and paperwork, including customs declarations and border checks. Traders are struggling to digest the new rules imposed by a 1,200-page trade deal that was agreed just a week before split.
The English Channel port of Dover and the Eurotunnel passenger and freight route braced for delays as the new measures were introduced, though the coronavirus pandemic and a holiday weekend meant cross-Channel traffic was light, with only a trickle of trucks arriving at French border posts in Calais as 2020 ended. The vital supply route was snarled for days after France closed its border to U.K. truckers for 48 hours last week in response to a fast-spreading variant of the virus identified in England.
The British government insisted that “the border systems and infrastructure we need are in place, and we are ready for the U.K.’s new start.”
But freight companies were holding their breath. Youngs Transportation in the U.K. suspended services to the EU until Jan. 11 “to let things settle.”
“We figure it gives the country a week or so to get used to all of these new systems in and out, and we can have a look and hopefully resolve any issues in advance of actually sending our trucks,” said the company’s director, Rob Hollyman.
The services sector, which makes up 80% of Britain’s economy, does not even know what the rules will be for business with the EU in 2021 — many of the details have yet to be hammered out. Months and years of further discussion and argument over everything from fair competition to fish quotas lie ahead as Britain and the EU settle into their new relationship as friends, neighbors and rivals.
Hundreds of millions of individuals in Britain and the bloc also face changes to their daily lives. Britons and EU citizens have lost the automatic right to live and work in the other’s territory. From now on, they will have to follow immigration rules and obtain work visas. Tourists will not need visas for short trips, but new headaches — from travel insurance to pet paperwork — still loom for Britons visiting the continent.
For some in Britain, including the prime minister, it’s a moment of pride and a chance for the U.K. to set new diplomatic and economic priorities. Johnson said the U.K. was now “free to do trade deals around the world, and free to turbocharge our ambition to be a science superpower.”
Conservative lawmaker Bill Cash, who has campaigned for Brexit for decades, said it was a “victory for democracy and sovereignty.”
That’s not a view widely shared across the Channel. In the French president’s traditional New Year’s address, Emmanuel Macron expressed regret.
“The United Kingdom remains our neighbor but also our friend and ally,” he said. “This choice of leaving Europe, this Brexit, was the child of European malaise and lots of lies and false promises.”
France’s European affairs minister, Clément Beaune, said the promises made by Brexiteers — “a sort of total freedom, a lack of restrictions, of influence — I think will not happen.”
Many in Britain felt apprehension about a leap into the unknown that is taking place during a pandemic that has upended life around the world.
“I feel very sad that we’re leaving,” said Jen Pearcy-Edwards, a filmmaker in London. “I think that COVID has overshadowed everything that is going on. But I think the other thing that has happened is that people feel a bigger sense of community, and I think that makes it even sadder that we’re breaking up our community a bit, by leaving our neighbours in Europe.
“I’m hopeful that we find other ways to rebuild ties,” she said.
"complete" - Google News
January 01, 2021 at 06:42AM
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Boris Johnson hails 'an amazing moment' as Brexit is finally complete - MarketWatch
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nnnindonesia.blogspot.com Bob Vila's $2,800 Complete Mattress Makeover with Puffy - Bob Vila
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Here’s Neil’s complete timeline explained in Christopher Nolan’s mindboggling spy-thriller, Tenet. The events of Tenet are a tad difficult to map, as the film challenges and subverts our understanding of the linear progression of time, and the effects inversion can have on key events occurring through various points in time, with the past, present, and future forming an ever-continuing ouroboros.
At first glance, it might be tempting to liken Tenet to Inception due to its frenetic narrative twists - however, Tenet seems more like a culmination of Nolan’s cinematic oeuvre, consisting of elements of confusing, non-linear wit and wonder evoked in films like Interstellar and Dunkirk. Tenet is a cinematic experience like no other, perennially elusive even on the verge of breakthrough, leaving more questions unanswered towards the film’s denouement.
Continue scrolling to keep readingClick the button below to start this article in quick view.
Just like the title of the film, the plot of Tenet is palindromic in nature, wherein the first half moves forward in a fairly linear fashion, and then goes on to reverse backward, forming a closed-loop by the end. While every character experiences shifting timelines in Tenet, the temporal trajectory of Neil (Robert Pattinson) is perhaps the most confusing and complex one. Here’s a deep dive into Neil’s timeline in Tenet, along with an attempt to answer burning questions.
Neil's On-Screen Tenet Timeline
As the temporal loop in Tenet has no set beginning or end, at least in the way one is conditioned to perceive, it is best to map events in chronological order from a narratorial perspective. Tenet opens with the Opera House siege in Kyiv, wherein The Protagonist (John David Washington) is saved by a refracting bullet ‘caught’ by a mysterious masked vigilante, who is later revealed in a major twist to be Neil himself.
Day 1, Opera House, Kyiv: The Protagonist is able to seize the asset before the Ukrainian Special Forces get their hands on it, but is about to be taken out by one of them. Then on, a masked vigilante, who is, in fact, Neil, saves The Protagonist with the aid of a refracted bullet. The Protagonist notices a gold coin hanging from a red thread from the person’s backpack (a visual cue that will be crucial later on.)
Days 7-12, Mumbai: The Protagonist formally meets British spy Neil, who assists him to apprehend the arms dealer, Sanjay Singh. From the moment the two men meet, there are undercurrents that Neil knows The Protagonist fairly well, to the point that he is aware of his favorite drink and the fact that he never drinks on the job. The two devise a scheme to bungee jump into Singh’s penthouse, where it is revealed that the arms dealer is actually Priya (Dimple Kapadia), who points The Protagonist to Andrei Sator (Kenneth Branagh), who is acting as broker-of-sorts between the present and the future.
Day 14, Norway Freeport, Oslo: The Protagonist and Neil come up with a plan to crash a 747 into the freeport as a distraction, so the duo can break into the vaults. They succeed, making way into an inner vault that has two rooms separated by glass, each housing a turnstile (devices meant to invert and revert a traveler). Two men in Black Ops gear jump out of the respective machines - the Protagonist fights an inverted assailant, who is later revealed to be himself. Meanwhile, Neil chases and unmasks the reversed man, who he discovers is also The Protagonist. Deciding not to meddle with the flow of outcomes, Neil lets him escape while preventing The Protagonist from killing his own inverted self.
Day 21, Tallinn: The Protagonist and Neil perform a daring plutonium heist along a motorway, only to find an orange box containing an asset similar to the one retrieved in Kyiv. Both Neil and The Protagonist see a flipped silver car, and then a black car driving backwards towards them. After The Protagonist is questioned by Sator and his men, and Kat (Elizabeth Debicki) is shot with an inversed bullet, Neil “calls in the cavalry” - a TENET military group led by Ives (Aaron Taylor Johnson) and Wheeler (Fiona Dourif) who shoot Sator’s men and take control of the turnstile.
Neil and The Protagonist take a wounded Kat through the turnstile, inverting themselves in the process to prevent Kat’s death from the bullet wound. After The Protagonist ventures alone to retrieve the silver asset, he ends up giving Sator the final part of the algorithm machine instead. Sator sets The Protagonist and his silver car on fire, which leads to the latter getting hypothermia (as entropy is reversed). However, Neil saves him from certain death.
Inversion, Norway Freeport, Oslo: Neil and The Protagonist, along with a wounded Kat, decide to travel backwards in time in a cargo ship to the week in which the plane crash and vault heist occurred. The Protagonist goes back into the freeport and fights himself as per the events of Day 14. He uses the turnstile in the freeport to reinvert himself, going forward in time now. Neil moves Kat through the turnstile, and now all three of them are progressing through time forward.
Inversion, The TENET Ship: Neil, The Protagonist, and a healed Kat discuss free will, which is a question posited at the core of Tenet. Neil says, “what’s happened, happened”, implying that the past cannot be changed, and presents the problem of the Grandfather Paradox. The Protagonist comes to the firm conclusion that Neil has experienced these events before, as he was always a step ahead during every scenario. As they talk, they piece together Sator’s doomsday plan and formulated a strategy with Ives.
Closing of the Loop, Day 1, Siberia: Two teams of TENET soldiers simultaneously go to a deserted Siberian city and execute a temporal pincer movement, which basically involves Team Red moving forwards in time to witness how events play out, while an inverted Team Blue travels backward simultaneously, each having the benefit of temporal knowledge. While The Protagonist and Ives are on the mission to obtain the algorithm from a cave, Neil is the only other person aware of this, and he watches the other two being sealed inside the cave as they trigger a tripwire.
(a) Neil, Timeline 2: Inverted Neil sees an inverted chief goon laying the cave trap and comes to the conclusion that Sator’s men have a turnstile nearby. Neil finds the machine and reinverts himself, meaning now he is going forward in time. He tries to stop Ives and The Protagonist from entering the cave, but it is rendered fruitless.
Inside the cave, The Protagonist sees Sator’s goon inside a gated metal tomb holding the algorithm machine. A soldier’s corpse lies nearby, who sports the same backpack with the dangling coin and the red thread. Sator, who has traveled backwards to his holiday on the yacht in Vietnam, tells The Protagonist over the walkie-talkie that it is too late, and that he would have never allowed his son Max to be born in a world fated to be annihilated. Just then, the corpse reanimates and opens the gate for The Protagonist, while moving backward. Coming back to Neil, he hitches his van to the cave entrance and manages to pull both Ives and The Protagonist out just in time. They manage to retrieve the algorithm machine without having triggered the end of the world.
(b) Neil, Timeline 2 Merges with The Protagonist’s Timeline: On seeing Neil’s backpack, The Protagonist realizes that Neil is the inverted soldier who opens the gate in the cave, who dies after being shot by the chief goon. He also realizes that he’s the same vigilante who saved him back in the Opera House, and is emotional because of Neil’s death. However, Neil reassures him that they’ve known each other for years, and they’ve had tons of adventures together. It is also revealed that it is The Protagonist who had founded TENET in the future and recruited Neil in the first place. While it is the end of the road for Neil, it is just the beginning for The Protagonist.
(c) Neil, Timeline 3: Neil hitches a lift with Ives as he needs to travel backward again, in order to sacrifice himself in the cave as the reanimated corpse, hence closing his loop. In essence, Neil’s trajectory, temporal or otherwise, was key in saving the world.
Neil's Known Timeline Off-Screen
Having come to terms with the true nature of his role within the history of the world, The Protagonist decides to found - rather, learns that he has already founded - a counter organization named TENET to the one in the future that aims to erase the past. Everything that The Protagonist experiences throughout the film’s events are the result of his own design, which includes the presence of Neil who is traveling backward in time to make sure that the mission goes the way it was originally planned. While these events majorly take place offscreen, they are revealed in the final conversation between Neil and The Protagonist (within the purview of the narrative), in which Neil remarks that this might be the end of the journey for him, but for The Protagonist, it is the beginning of a long, beautiful friendship, which might as well become the subject for a Tenet sequel. Those "adventures" together culminate in the Opera House operation as the last major event prior to Neil and the Protagonist of the present coming together, but would of course involve recruiting other characters and encountering Priya.
What We Don't Know About Neil
After the events of the Tenet, The Protagonist seeks Neil out in the future by traveling backward in time, hence kickstarting the loop all over again. Due to the paradoxical nature of temporal realities and loops, it would make sense for Neil to have certain qualities to be recruited in the first place. Could it be the fact that Neil has a Masters in Physics, hence a deeper understanding of the nuances of the events that occurred/would occur? Neil could also have been a TENET employee of the likes of Mahir (Himesh Patel), but the fact that he’s chosen by The Protagonist to guide him every step of the way during the first half points to a deeper, more emotional connection between the two. Nevertheless, the relationship between the two men is an endearing one, forming the emotional core of Tenet, as Neil is doomed to live out half a friendship wherein the other has no memory of their time together, while The Protagonist is doomed to re-ignite their friendship despite the knowledge of Neil’s eventual sacrifice.
Is Neil From The Future Or The Past?
A popular theory posits that Neil is, in fact, Kat and Sator’s son, Max, who is seen at several points in the film. Apart from physical resemblance, and the fact that Pattinson specifically died his hair blonde for the film, it makes narratorial sense that The Protagonist was close to Kat and her son after the events of the film, leading to the bond between the two. Max would have grown up to be trained and recruited by The Protagonist, only to go back to save his mother, and ensuring the survival of his younger self. The name ‘Max’ could also be short for MAXIMILIEN, wherein the last four letters undergo a ‘tenet’ and become ‘Neil.’ While this theory is purely speculative, it does tie in neatly with Tenet’s narrative, and grants greater depth and meaning to Neil’s character and his ultimate sacrifice, which might’ve been a way to pay for the sins of his father.
Debopriyaa Dutta is a content curator, poet, and film critic based in India and a frequent contributor for High On Films. Apart from being a published author, Debopriyaa has been writing professionally since 2014, and holds a Master's degree in English Literature and Theory from the University of Delhi. An ardent fan of cosmic horror and poetic cinema, she enjoys painting, along with reading literary works steeped in morbid nihilism.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by BartekSzewczyk/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
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Dear Prudence,
My close friend, “Will,” was fired due to a sexual harassment complaint against him at work. Will and the women involved are of similar ages and status in the company. I don’t work with him and don’t really know details, but from what I do know, it’s in the category of “hitting on women at work and continuing to after they said no.” He denies most of it. Without knowing what exactly happened, my guess at the truth would be that it happened and is possibly more severe than Will believes but maybe slightly exaggerated on the women’s part. Still, he shouldn’t have done it at all, and this is obviously not good behavior. Our friend group is divided: A few believe Will, a few don’t and have cut ties, and one friend who works in the same industry as Will (but not at the same company) fears his own professional reputation will suffer if he keeps the friendship. Another friend who used to work with both Will and the women involved is also unsure what to believe. I’ve been close with Will for years, and though he is a ladies’ man type, I also consider him a feminist (I’m a woman and also a feminist). He has always been a kind, respectful, and generous friend. Should I cut him off? Demote him to an acquaintance? Is losing his job enough of a punishment, or should he lose his friends too?
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—Still Friends?
If you don’t really know details, why not ask Will for more of them? Tell him what you’ve told me—that this seems at odds with the version of him you’ve known for years, that you’re not clear exactly what happened—and ask him specifically what he denies. Does he deny doing any of it? Does he admit to hitting on colleagues after they told him they weren’t interested but objects to their characterization of his repeated attempts? Can he summarize his employers’ position and the reasons they gave for his dismissal? Then use your own judgment as you listen to his response. Do you find his answers compelling and thoughtful? Do you find him reflexively defensive? Do you find his characterization of his former company and the women who accused him of harassment to be fair, accurate, and reasonable? How many women filed complaints?
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I realize you can only get Will’s side of the story, but you’re not being asked to offer up a legal ruling. You’re trying to get a better sense of your friend’s character, and you’ll have to rely on your own judgment as you evaluate his account of said character. Don’t avoid these questions in the uneasy hope that you can simply back off from a formerly close friendship without ever having to have a conversation on the subject. You’re not obligated to punish Will, even if you find his answers troubling, but if he’s really a close friend of yours, you should seek to learn more so that you can offer him useful advice and counsel—even if that counsel is, “Will, I love you, and I think you deserved to get fired because I believe you harassed those women, and you need to change your life.” Information is not your enemy here. It will help you make useful, clear decisions that are in line with your feminist values—values that are not incompatible with loving Will.
On the last day of a family trip, my stepfather suddenly died. We knew he didn’t have long, but it was still pretty traumatic. My mother and I have always been close, and I was her rock for the first year after his death. Then she met someone and abruptly stopped talking to me, my brother, and our kids. I brought it up with her countless times, telling her how it felt, how much I missed her, and eventually warning her that it will affect her relationship with her children and grandchildren. This new guy was incredibly off-putting. We gave him a chance, but it was very clear that he was taking advantage of her generosity and large pension. She finally realized that he was not interested in a relationship with her, and they stayed friends.
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Now she’s dating someone new, and I was recently at her home for the weekend. “Adam” was there, constantly interrupting me and talking over me. He tried to diagnose one of my family members with a common disorder because he took one psych course in college. This was only my second time meeting him, but I let it go. The next day, I mentioned one of my daughters quit horseback riding, and he interrupted to tell me a good parent would have made her get back on the horse. I let him know that she did get back on the horse and finished off her lessons for that month as well. He just kept putting his oar in all weekend—at one point he told me he thought my behavior is “maladaptive” and I should rethink my decisions. I looked at my mom, and she said nothing. I went to my room and started packing. Adam came in to apologize, touching my back to get my attention. I told him I didn’t ask for his opinion, that he was not my father, and that just because he was sleeping with my mother didn’t mean he was entitled to speak about situations he knows nothing about. He walked away, and my mom came in shouting that I was behaving like an adolescent and that I should have just told him when he was interrupting. I asked her when it became my house, because it’s the host’s responsibility to correct bad behavior. She lost it when I pointed out that she had abandoned her family for the last two years. It’s now been two weeks, and I haven’t spoken to my mother. I truly don’t want to. Is it wrong that I’m waiting for her to apologize?
—Bad Blood
It’s not wrong that you’re waiting for your mother to apologize. In your position I’d probably want an apology too. I just can’t promise you that you’re going to get one.
If you haven’t heard from her in another few weeks, but you’ve managed to cool off a bit yourself, I’d encourage you to drop her a brief line asking her if she’s willing to talk about what happened. But based on how the past few years have gone, she may respond angrily or not at all. While you’re taking that time to come down, it’s worth reflecting on whether you could have done anything differently that past weekend with Adam. That’s not to say that he wasn’t rude—he definitely was—but do you think saying something like, “Adam, I’m really not looking for advice right now. Could you please stop?” when you were only slightly frustrated would have altered the outcome? It might also help to open your note to your mother with “I’ve thought a lot about how that weekend went, and here’s what I wish I’d done differently.” It’s not an apology for your frustration, which was truly merited, but it might defuse her instinctive defensiveness long enough to make a real conversation possible. But you’re entitled to be angry with how Adam behaved, and you’re entitled to be hurt about her sudden absence from your life after she started dating again, and you don’t have to just let it go because she’s your mother.
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How to Get Advice From Prudie
• Send questions for publication toprudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.) • Join the live chat every Monday at noon.Submit your questions and comments herebefore or during the live discussion. • Call the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast at 401-371-DEAR (3327) to hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Dear Prudence,
My best friend has been dating someone new after ending a long-term relationship. A large factor in their relationship seems to be their shared love of drugs: ketamine, molly, opium, mescaline, poppers, and the like. Though I have my own concerns with my best friend using drugs frequently, my real issue is that her new partner is an ER doctor. This doctor routinely works several shifts in a row and then goes on drug benders with my friend for multiple days. Though I don’t think the doctor goes to work high, I feel a nagging concern that they should not be treating patients. Can someone provide excellent health care and also be a heavy drug user? I mean, I wouldn’t voluntarily choose a doctor who did drugs on the side. Should I write HR a confidential letter to drug-test the doctor (most hospitals don’t routinely drug-test physicians)? Should I mind my business?
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—Doctored Doctor
One of those drugs is very much not like the others! That’s not to say there would be no reason for concern in an ER doctor recreationally using poppers, psychedelics, and club drugs, but they are in a very different class from opium, which is highly addictive and dangerous.
The potential for harm here—both to your friend’s partner’s patients and to her partner—is serious enough that I believe you may have an obligation to intervene. But that intervention should not begin with a letter to HR. You say you’ve had nagging concerns about both your friend’s drug use and her partner’s, but not whether you’ve ever expressed those concerns to her. Having a frank conversation with her (ideally both of them) is an indispensable first step, not least for the sake of your friendship but also for discussing practicalities like whether they have a safety plan for reversing potential overdoses, an important question for opiate use. If that conversation exacerbates your concerns about this doctor’s ability to work safely, you may then decide to escalate. Do prepare yourself, in that event, both for your friendship to suffer and for the possibility that your inquiry (if it’s based on secondhand reports) may stall.
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Help! Am I Giving Up on My Troubled Daughter if I Send Her Away?
Danny M. Lavery takes a look at some of the many memorable letters of 2020 on this week’s episodeof the Dear Prudence podcast.
My husband and I separated during the pandemic as his drinking hit a critical point, and I just couldn’t deal with the emotional abuse and absenteeism in our son’s life anymore. Our son is 3 now, and I’ve felt like a single parent for much of that time. After a month in rehab and a couple of slip-ups later, my husband has been sober for almost three months now. Because of COVID and wanting to provide some stability for our son, we are living together until the spring. However, I have started seeing someone else. My soon-to-be ex-husband knows. I want to move forward with this other relationship. He’s invited me to go away for the weekend, and I really want to spend a night away with him. Is this OK? How can I broach this with my ex? The guy I’m seeing works from home and has minimal contacts, so I am not concerned about COVID exposure, but my ex is.
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—Separated, Together
Your desire to spend a night away with your new boyfriend makes a great deal of sense, especially after months spent in isolation with your soon-to-be ex-husband. But the most important question is whether you think your ex can handle being your son’s sole caregiver for that long. You say he’s been mostly absent for your son’s life, that his recent bout of sobriety has been marked by a few slip-ups, and that he’s been emotionally abusive. Has he ever spent time alone with your son safely before? If so, for how long? If he hasn’t, or if even a small part of you worries about how your son might fare in your absence, I think it’s better to postpone overnight trips for another few months and to spend the intervening time consulting with your divorce lawyer and preparing to seek primary custody, so that when you finally do get that night away, you can leave with real peace of mind (and with a trustworthy babysitter).
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I’ll also point out that though your ex’s failings as a partner and a parent sound fairly serious, they don’t automatically preclude him from having legitimate concerns about what constitutes an unacceptable COVID risk. If you do talk to him about future trips during the pandemic and he expresses concern, you should take that concern seriously, especially while you two are still living together.
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Dear Prudence Uncensored
“You still got to shut them up and knock them down a peg, but it’s not about that.”
Over 10 years ago, I started a career I was really excited about. For years, I put my all into it. I moved up through the ranks, which meant stakes were higher and the burden heavier. I still enjoyed it, because I believed in my work. I greatly admire the people who have worked in my office for decades. But now I’m tired. Maybe it’s because the pandemic has put things into perspective, but it’s also true that social changes have made our work increasingly difficult over the last few years. I just want to slow down. I can do that, but my work won’t be quite as meaningful, and I won’t have the same success that the people I look up to have.
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That makes me feel like a failure, like I’m giving up. I don’t look down on the people in my office who do other types of work—it’s just my own internal judgment of myself. This also isn’t about wanting more of a life outside of work. Despite sometimes working long hours, I’m still able to have a social life. I just hate feeling like I can give this job my all, and sometimes, through absolutely no fault of my own, my all won’t matter. How do I come to terms with wanting to scale back?
—Striving for Mediocrity
Wanting to give your job “a lot” instead of “your all” is still, you know, a lot. That might sound pat, but it’s true. And it says something about a workaholic, profit-driven culture that you feel embarrassed about wanting to scale back after a breakneck decade because you’re already “able” to have a social life. A social life isn’t a little dollop you earn through good behavior, and the part of your life spent away from the office, whether you dedicate it to rest, to hobbies, to volunteer work, to community organizing, to friendships, or to nothing at all is deeply important. What you propose here is a life where you continue to work diligently and capably, but you no longer put your career over everything else—a life where you pay attention to something as serious as feeling tired all the time! Real rest, real relaxation, and a real sense of scale are all worthy achievements, not impediments to success. Your job should not demand your all. No job should. What you are proposing is a good thing, something you can be proud of, not a compromise of your ideals.
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Now available in your podcast player: the audiobook edition of Danny M. Lavery’s latest book, Something That May Shock and Discredit You. Get it from Slate.
Dear Prudence,
We’ll be in contact with my brother and his girlfriend this holiday season. I’m delighted they’re a couple. She’s deeply kind and has made him very happy. She also wears masks everywhere and follows COVID safety protocols. The “but … ” is that she is a bit of a conspiracy theorist. Just throw a dart at a map of Big Pharma, the Illuminati, or aliens and she’ll find some way they’re planning humanity’s downfall. What’s especially weird is this country’s evildoers are not exactly subtle about it, yet somehow she thinks there is a big, secret conspiracy just waiting to be uncovered. This is going to be a bit much this year, but I can’t seem to think of the right exit. Could you please hand me a conversational get-out-of-jail card that I can use without hurting her feelings?
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—“I Think You’re Daft,” but Nicely
“Oh, I think that’s awfully unlikely,” “I think the people in power who harm humanity the most are usually pretty obvious about it,” and “I disagree!” are all polite summations of what you’ve written here, but more gentle than rolling your eyes or telling someone you think they’re stupid. You are allowed to disagree with your brother’s girlfriend, even if it’s a holiday, and so long as you don’t take the opportunity as an excuse to indirectly communicate contempt or try to embarrass her, you can just say what you think, perhaps followed by a change of subject.
Classic Prudie
I’ve been dating my boyfriend, “Mark,” for a few months now, but we’ve been casual friends for more than five years. He is overall a kindhearted person, a hard worker and provider, a fantastic father (to his daughter from a previous relationship), and a supportive and passionate partner. I feel very strongly that he could be “the one.” After he disclosed some not-so-great things about his past to me, none of which is an issue for me, I went snooping online (to see if there was anything he wasn’t telling me) and found public records that generally corroborated what he told me. I also found a request for a restraining order against him for domestic violence around the time he split with his child’s mom before we met. I didn’t know about this, but it doesn’t surprise me given what I know about her. However, I also found a potential other name for him on one of those background check sites. The first name is very close to his current name (think Mark vs. Matt), and the last name is his mother’s maiden name. She raised Mark as a single mom, and he didn’t know his dad until he was older. This discovery could be harmless, such as he changed his name when he finally got to know his dad, or something more serious, such as he has a really bad past he wants to escape. What do I do with this information? Do I bring it up and ask? Do I let it go and see if he brings it up?
